Sunday, January 1, 2012

love and boats

It is night and I wish that my words could be written down on paper.
Alas. for now here lay few fleeting thoughts of the moon.

My regrets are an ocean and I...
a lone adventurer
ascending the last mountain who's peaks have now become shore.
"what if's" are sailing on it's waters to and fro as I watch the sea line;
my horizon.

They are all sunken ships that cannot hold bone or blood.
Any weight put on their bow will result only in plunging through the hull of ghost.
haunting, taunting, reminding.

What if I were stronger?
-could I have held her when she needed? supported. comforted. guided.

What if I were humbler?
-would I have to be told repetitiously about how I point to myself?

When I was a child I played with boats in the waters.
pretending through the days as pirate, knight, and warrior.
sailing across the seas,
atop a fortress built of stone and bronze and 2x4s,

But I cannot pretend away the past, nor change it.
Was I not strong enough?
Was I not humble enough?
Was I too blind?
Too lost to lead?
Too young to know how young I am?

My heart was true, and my pursuit was sound,..
but my love was lost, and it has now departed to distant shores that I cannot see.

I still play in the waters. what if'ing in days into nights.
Each day and night I dream of what could have been.
I am a dreamer.
I see beyond what I can see.

Do I close my eyes or are they at last ready to open?
To see that this mountain top I have reached is my mattress.
That I have not lost anything but was gifted it for the time it was.
I have today.
I can love.

I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your children may live.

I can live. and the rest will follow as time and season and tide.
For these oceans are not regrets but hopes for a future.
For the ship that I labour to set sail in called ζάω (life)